I had a good time in college, drinking, drugs, sex, procrastinating on doing the things i supposedly should have been doing living at school. I wasnt sure if it was worth the 6 figures it took to pay for all of that, but Lebron, you’ve proved it to me unequivocally that it was worth every penny.

Even if I remained an arrogant, self-centered, tunnelvisioned animal, at least school taught me that when the fucking time came, I had to roll out of bed at 8am, put some pants on and go to class. The world was not on my schedule no matter how much I wanted it to be.

Lebron, every second you spend trying to put the world on Lebron o’clock, the further that post-Jordan legacy you’re chasing gets away from you. And man oh man is it flying away from you in a hurry.

jackasses.

First of all, lets assume that you have a bit of ADD, and every time you say something like “I want to be a billionaire” “I want to be an icon” you’re just brainstorming. But if those are all actually priorities of yours, you should probably get some people around you that actually have a vague idea what it takes to do that. There are only two things that have helped make you as successful as you are: number 1: your on the court abilities and accomplishments thus far, and number 2: Nike and their marketing department. Please note: neither of these things include your “camp” “entourage” or “Maverick motherfucking Carter” or “Worldwide motherfucking Wes.” These people you surround yourself with do not know what they’re doing and the only person it hurts is you.

By going to Miami, you will absolutely ruin any hope you have of building a brand to even come near the 23 Jumpman, Dwayne Wade will fucking have you on a leash, he’ll be showing you what faggy bars to go to in South Beach, and Bosh will hold your coat. You’ll go from the chosen one to one of the three guys that slimey scumfuck Pat Riley picked. Please find someone who knows anything about brand management and ask how that helps you.

Lets talk about this whole decision about the Boys and Girls Club. Greenwich Connecticut? I hear the Boys and Girls club in Greenwich is on the fucking PGA tour you moron. Even ESPN, in their masturbatory, and huge conflict of interest, agreement to host you is overlooking the fact that any money is going to charity. You aren’t Obama Lebron, you don’t request air time like its the Cuban Missile crisis. Even I though one of the illiterate sychophants you surround yourself with would talk you out of this farce.

But, it’s too late, you’ve made all these mistakes and they’re your fault. You’ve already stunted what could be your immortality so much, maybe, MAYBE you could get on the right track at 9pm, but i seriously doubt it. I’ll be disappointed with the rest of the world that isn’t one of the Miami Heat’s 25 serious fans; at least until my Amar’e Stoudemire jersey comes in the mail.

PS: let me be the first to say what millions will say after next season after whenever the name Lebron is mentioned:

“He was never what he could have been with (insert any team other than the Heat).”

Natalie Holloway

Beth Holloway and her incredibly competent husband "Jug" Twitty

Wondering what happened to good ‘ol Alabama High school student? Well, it’s hard to say, because the only people who really know are probably just whoever did it. Not only did she probably have a miserable end to her life, but she also resurrected all the crack OJ era TV crime experts to lend their insight to a story that was never solved (thanks for your help on the whole JonBenet Ramsey thing too, guys). And let this be a lesson to you parents who (obviously read this blog, and) think you’re the “cool” ones who let the kids drink under you’re (nonexistent) supervision. Roll Tide!

Elian Gonzales

Notice how the mans finger isnt, but should be, wrapped firmly around the trigger.

Everyone’s favorite Cuban refugee, this kid dominated cable news for weeks while ex-pro wrestler turned Attorney General Janet Reno decided what to do. Does she send the boy back to the very country is mother died to get him away from, therefore signing her death as being in vein? Or does she let him stay in America, the freedom of opportunity (minus Cuban cigars)? OBV SEND HIM BACK. Don’t fret though, the chances of Elian Gonzales making it back to American on the front of a door only depends on whether or not there’s a need for cheap Major League relief pitching.

t.A.T.u.

The sexual tension is palatable... which I think means its totally fake.

Come on, you don’t remember this female Russian pop duo from the 90′s? What about the girl-on-girl innuendo that they pretty much forced down everyone’s throats at a frustratingly PG-13 level. They’re hot lesbians (maybe) with feelings, and their one and only American hit chronicled their really hot lesbian (maybe) girl-on-girl problems. Despite still being less gay than Ricky Martin, we’ll never forget your (possibly) completely bullshit homoerotic marketing ploy.

Dave Holmes

"Dave Holmes: Neither of those things"

Holy shit, remember this MTV nobody? He flew off the map quicker than the 100 pounds Carson Daly mysteriously lost when TRL got canceled. Anyway, Holmes is the perennial c-list basic cable tv show host, ranging from Say What Karaoke on MTV to DVD on FX…on FX. So lets look at his meteoric rise to absolutely the same place for the last decade. He started chaperoning drunk coeds to sing Savage Garden on MTV to watching a movie as if it was a DVD but on the basic cable version of Fox. God Bless you Dave, you are the garbage man of the channels between 11 and 75 on America’s television.

• We helped you ring in the new year with our New Years Resolutions for the rest of the world. Some of which are already in the shitter.
• We gave you Parts 1, 2 and 3 of the phonebook from People-whose-names-are-also-things-land. Look forward to part 4 some time when we’re really bored.
• We gave you 25 Band Names, TV Shows and Movies that would make horrible pornos, and possibly screwed up your memories of Three Dog Night, Two and a Half Men and There Will Be Blood in the process.
• We bashed Nick, outed Harrison, scolded the Cougar, and berated Chuck. We’ve even predicted some people’s deaths.
• But we don’t hate everybody in this world.
• We made a list of guys that you should probably hide your sister from and compiled some of our favorite deaths from the silver screen.
• We ranted about the state of the world of music, several times. While also supplying you with some quality alternatives.
• We put your mind at ease and explained why You’ll Never Quit Smoking, and that you actually don’t have to worry because Not All Italians (in movies at least) Are Mobsters.
• We celebrated the success of the greatest archeological expedition in the history of history.

So we hope it’s been a fun look back for you, dear reader, because we’ve had fun churning out this nonsense and look forward to another year of it. We’ve written 59 posts and had over 12,000 views since our inception, which is more of anything than any of us have ever had, so thanks for your support.

51 Polly Wannacracker
52 Mel Anoma
53 Lou Kemia
54 Ann Heiserbush
55 Phil Harmonic
56 Mel O’dee
57 Phil A. Mingoin
58 Cy Cologist
59 Tom A. Toe
60 Evan Chully
61 Hal O’Ween
62 Rush Hashana
63 Dan Delion
64 Ann L. Secks
65 Phil A. Shio
66 Pearl Necklace
67 Janet Orr
68 Kerry Okie
69 Oral Secks
70 Pete Zahut
71 Eric Shaw
72 Shay Canbake
73 Arthur Itis
74 Rhoda Rooter
75 Bo Lingball

"Buuuuttt...he's gonna see... the big board!"

A short time ago I saw a post on Reddit lampooning a certain movie poster for being over the top, stupid and embarrassingly hilarious for whomever made it. Now, I’ve seen some weird shit on the internet and a link like the one described is nothing out of the ordinary for websites like Reddit. I clicked on it with a type of childish innocence rarely see in about-to-graduate college students.
I’m sure you’ll judge for yourself, but the poster to the left for the movie “The Day of the Dolphin” is pretty ridiculous.  It’s kind of got the Snakes on a Plane thing going for it in that the tagline (in this case) just gives you the short and sweet of a very stupid plot.  Hilarious. But no, it’s not, because this poster is for a movie starring one of the greatest actors of all time, Mr. George C. Scott, and he deserves some more respect.  To prove this, I’ve arranged my argument in a few bullet points, because you are most likely used to things being taught to you through Power Point, because you’re a simpleton.

Reason Number 1: Have you seen the movie Patton? If not, stop reading this. Its streaming on fucking Netflix for god’s sake, take 171 minutes and come out a man at the end.  Yeah, that’s right 171 minutes (3 hours, idiot), it takes that long to develop an actual narrative worth caring about, like say…fighting WWII.  If you can’t hack watching Patton than go eat a salad and enjoy Finding Nemo.

That being said, Patton is one of the most epic movies ever made, depicting the WWII biography of America’s most hardassed General who did whatever he wanted and never let anything (thousands of Nazi’s) get in the way.  For all intents and purposes George C. Scott and George S. Patton are practically the same person.

Reason Number 2: Dr. Strangelove. One of Stanley Kubrick’s many masterpieces; in it, Scott plays General Buck Turgidson.  His character is the completely over-the-top commander of the U.S. military during a possible nuclear attack in the 1964 black comedy.  For the record, it’s not a black comedy because it’s in black and white, it’s a satire (like the Daily Show), OK?  This movie was revolutionary, and Scott’s character provided the saber-rattling American foil to the Russian Ambassador’s Cold War paranoia and the stunningly ignorant and passive-aggressive American President (Peter Sellers).  On top of playing his character to a “T”, he was allegedly Kubrick’s equal at Chess, and I don’t think Stanley Kubrick likes anyone being his equal at anything.

Reason Number 3: He turned down the best actor Oscar for Patton.  That’s right, he turned down what is understood to be the biggest sign of achievement in the film industry, calling it a “meat parade.” What have you turned down? Maybe a second helping of dessert every once in a while? Maybe even you ladies have turned down a guy named Oscar.  No, not the same.

In closing, I hope you take your new-found respect for George C. into the world.  He was a badass guy, a great actor, and deserves far more respect than having his movie ridiculed on the internet. If not, don’t say I didn’t warn you when he rises from the grave and gives you the stiff talking-to that you deserve.

Steven Spielberg, on the set of a much better movie than Indiana Jones 4

I remember learning pretty early into my interest in filmmaking that the first shot of a movie is the most important. It’s like the thesis to the entire story.  I’ve since noticed that I actually find the opposite to be true: it is the last shot that’s the most important, at least to the viewer.  The ending shot of a movie, that final visual and the terminating dialogue is the summation of the entire adventure that you as the viewer just went on.  Whereas the first shot is seen in ignorance, since you as the viewer don’t really know what’s going on, the last shot is the opposite, and therefore you can get the full effect of its meaning.

ANYWAY, here is a, by no means exhaustive, list of my favorite final scenes and shots. (Spoilers… obviously).

The Bourne Ultimatum

These three movies comprised one of the strongest trilogies of the past few decades, and as someone who followed closely as they came out, I was excited to see the finale which was billed as “Bourne Comes Home“. Bourne’s story is pretty torturous and the dedicated viewers were along for the ride with him.  We’ve built a loyalty to his character, and the ending pays off for all the frantic searching over the time period of the three movies.

With a strong written ending, the last shot is just as strong.  If you remember, the first shot of the first movie is essentially the same shot: Bourne floats motionless in the ocean, shot at a high angle.  We see his lifeless body bobbing after a possible bullet hit, but the voice over of the news report informs us his body was never found.  Then we, the viewers and his fans, get to see our intrepid and seemingly invincible protagonist come alive again.  He’s alive, and he got the redemption he was seeking for. How nice.

Revolutionary Road

And I thought the last ship sank slowly.

Man, was this movie agonizing. I had really high hopes, after director Sam Mendes’ earlier work American Beauty, The Road to Perdition, and Jarhead, all of which I love.  This movie, instead of making people fascinated about the dark side of life in the often glamorized 50′s and early 60′s, threw us into the downward spiral along with the characters.  I don’t know about you, but I pretty much hated everyone in the movie.

But, the last shot gave me solace that my $10 wasn’t totally wasted.  In it, Howard Givings, who is Mrs. Givings’ (Kathy Bates) husband, sits in a chair as his wife rambles on about the tragedy that occurs in the movie and how the Wheelers didn’t fit in in the neighborhood.  As she yammers on, the shot sits on his upper body, where we see him subtlety turn off his hearing aid.  I felt his pain, and I was happy that I wasn’t the only one that just couldn’t take it anymore.

Inglourious Basterds

The Dead Man's Angle

Typing this name when referring to the movie has gotten increasingly annoying due to Tarantino’s inability to spell, and spellcheck’s inability to not care. But I had to put this in, especially now that the film seems to be a front-runner for Best Picture.  After the long journey the actual screenplay for this movie took, as first a fantasy of the director, to a slow development, followed by a totally sped up writing process and shooting, all the way to its release and recognition, the movies last words are great.  Tarantino applies a shot he essentially coined, which is the POV of a dead body.  Now, I know Landa isn’t dead, but that’s not the point, the angle is one of his trademarks.  And with the dialogue, Tarantino essentially talks to himself saying: “this may be my masterpiece.”

The Usual Suspects

Ohhh, now way.

The ending is pretty much agreed on as one of the best twists in the history of modern cinema, and the terminating shot pretty much leaves your jaw on the floor if someone didn’t ruin it for you.  The single tracking shot follows Verbal, as he reveals to us who he really is.  And as a bonus we get to see that Mr. Kobayashi is actually real.

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Top Men...

The last shot of Raiders has probably become my favorite, and is the one on this list that I’ve seen the most times.  When I was a kid I didn’t quite get it, but once I wrapped my mind around what the shot actually illustrates, it’s pretty great.  This huge adventure, that we the viewer had been on for the past two hours was essentially relegated to the back of some secret warehouse.  I guess there’s a few ways to look at it, but I choose to see it as there being a whole wealth of fantastical secret shit sitting around, and the Ark of the Covenant is now part of that library.  The journey we just went on is merely one of thousands.  It really opens the imagination to what’s in the rest of those crates…. Whatever you do, just don’t see the most recent Indian Jones installment.

A friend of mine sent me a text the other day, the text read “Heidi Montag’s album, Superficial, sold 658 copies this week”. Six. Five. Eight. This is un-fucking-believable… and at the same time the single most self-validating thing to ever happen to me. This statistic renews my faith in humanity. As an aspiring audio engineer and music fanatic I have always (naturally) been opposed to b-list celebrities thinking they have any talent whatsoever and releasing albums.

Over the years, geniuses like Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Eddie Murphy have gotten it into their over inflated noggins that they have something relevant to say and it must be shared with the world through song. This infuriates me. So when reality star Heidi Montag of The Hills fame started feeling that itch that so many stars of the tabloid circuit have felt before, to record an album, I assumed we were in for more of the same. The same being about 50,000 albums sold, various appearances on early morning programing, a teen choice award and thousands of tweens screaming their faces off (as soon as they get their voices back from the JoBros concert). But then this happened. This is divine intervention, like in the movies when the clouds part and God speaks down to the main character, telling him to have no fear, everything will be alright. Well, everything isn’t going to be alright (by Joe Rotondi), but I guess it’s gonna be just a little better than I thought.

People don’t completely feed into all of this! They don’t open wide and receive every bit of horse shit that is spoon fed to them by the so-called media. This is my first (and most likely last) salute to the American populous. Job well done. Way to see through the bullshit that is Heidi Montag and answer to your own musical taste as oppose to what you’re being told to listen to. The Times had a funny little article on the topic where they actually sought out a few of those six hundred and fifty-eight buyers of Superficial and interviewed/profiled them. A truly hilarious read.

On a related note, I’m sure that Heidi meant for the album title to be an indictment on the Hollywood scene, but in light of her recent “upgrades” doesn’t it seem just a little more fitting? Maybe it should’ve been called Artificial? Yeah, I like that.

On a slightly off topic, but related, note, here is the video from a particular celebrity that deserved all of his praise but clearly took it too far back in 1998 when he released this single. (More to come on Pesci, I feel an entire post’s worth of emotions when watching this video)

26 Hank Yurchif
27 Al Kerzeltzer
28 Tim Burland
29 Marty Graw
30 Mary Gorownd
31 Frank Sanbeans
32 Jack Encoke
33 Al Kaholic
34 Harry Ballzac
35 Sue Perman
36 Stan Dingonlie
37 Hugh Manatie
38 Art Zancrafts
39 Diane Tamicha
40 Phil Meyup
41 Sue Pyturds
42 Ty Linall
43 Ty Yurshu
44 Jen Durbendur
45 Sal Menilla
46 Joyce Tic
47 Minnie Van
48 Colin Sik
49 Ron Dayvou
50 Will Powers

One of the greatest achievements in recent archeological history has occurred this past week, and it would be a travesty for us not to acknowledge it. After all, it’s in our mission statement. What I’m talking about is the recovery of five crates of Mackinlay Scotch and Brandy from over 100 years worth of ice near the South Pole. That’s right. There are those who would think that the valuable skills of the world’s best archeologists and scientists should be put to use solving problems like global warming and gas shortages… but no! We need to get hammered so as to forget those minor issues.

The five cases were abandoned all the way back in 1908 by Anglo-Irish explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton when his expedition to the South Pole ran short of supplies and had to turn back. Though, I don’t really see what the problem was if they had five cases of whiskey left. The real bonus for all of us whiskey lovers is that the recipe for this particular blend of scotch is no longer in existence, and once the bottles have been thawed out and analyzed the long extinct blend can be reproduced. Beautiful. Now we can only hope that they will put some of these bottles up for sale, at which point I will promptly rob a bank and purchase a bottle. Here’s to science finally coming through for us, especially after all those broken promises.

Check out a legitimate article documenting this wondrous occasion here.