The fat guy in Space Jam (not Wayne Knight)

All of you fastest sperms out there, this is our first, and hopefully not last, exploratory article into a self proclaimed popular culture icon. I know what you’re thinking but do not fear. This is not about Tiger Woods.  Speaking of, what’s the difference between Santa and Tiger? About 15 Hos.  Moving on….This piece is written about a man that not many know how to feel about. Loved by some, hated by the same some, and obnoxious to most, Charles Barkley has made it clear that he will never shut up and we might as well get used to it.

Someone with Photoshop hates you Charles!

Charles Barkley is a guy I never really liked. I never really hated him either. The most logical place to start the discussion him is his college experience.  At first glance, he’s exactly what you’d want out of a player. Averaged nearly a double double his entire three year career, All SEC selectee, strong finisher, shot over 60% from the floor, and the list goes on.  He brought some excitement to Auburn fans and they ended up retiring his number. In fact, since college athletes aren’t given a big enough platform to run their mouths extensively, he was a pretty popular guy. The only real knock people had of  him is that he struggled with a weight problem.  I, along with many, find it unacceptable for supposedly premiere athletes to be lazy enough to get fat. However, after stage one of his life, he’s comes out strong in my book.

On to the NBA. Barkley joined a team that was good enough to get to the Eastern Conference Finals where they lost to the Boston Celtics. Under Moses Malone’s tutelage, the Round Mound was able to shed a few pounds and not look like a lost Van Gundy brother. He scored a lot, grabbed a lot of boards, and made some All Star teams. He also spit on a little girl during overtime of a game. While this is not necessarily out of the ordinary in the slimebox called Philadelphia that he played in, the rest of the country found it pretty terrible. Charles later listened to his agent and gave the loogie faced girl some basketball tickets, which he got for free, to see him play.

As if playing in Philly wasn’t enough to get him despised by most of the country, Charles never shied away from cameras.  He was picked up by Phoenix in 1992 and, along with Danny “Shitbird” Ainge, made it to the finals.  Barkley famously told Michael Jordan that it was destiny that the Suns would win. They lost and I am confident that it was because God hates assholes.  The next year, Barkley decided that he was tired of being followed by cameras (but not the millions of dollars he made because of it) and stated that athletes are not role models. Dumbass Dan Quayle backed him. Most people saw it as the cop out that it was.

In 1996 he moved to the Rockets with Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon. He still couldn’t win a ‘ship.  However, his time in the league is equally remembered for a few other incidents as well. On court fights with Shaq, Oak, and Laimbeer (among others), off court assaults of random men after games, and terrible gambling issues, make Barkley an easy guy to hate. Hell, if he wasn’t an NBA player the guy would be in jail 5 times over.

After he retired he took his trash to the networks. He became the least intelligent color commentator (you’re welcome Joe Buck) in the history of commentary on TNT.  The stuff that would come out of his mouth was/is atrocious. He wouldn’t disagree.

He is also known as the worst golfer ever. His swing is painful to watch. He hit a fan in the head with his awful shank. I don’t know what else to say about that one. He doesn’t have a job and still can’t find time to not look like a moron on the golf course.

Most of my dismay at the existence of this fatass comes from a few issues. 1) He wrote a book and I, like an idiot, read it. I wish it was possible to sue for time. To quote Billy Madison “what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.” 2) He’s on TV. All the time. I don’t mind the fact that there are morons in the world. I usually just ignore them or shove them down stairs. Charlie-poo however is shoved down everyone’s throat. TNT, Dwayne Wade commercials, Dwight Howard commercials… fuck you Charles. You were a good player but MJ was better and he only bothers us with Hanes commercials. 3) Snickers. Why did Snickers make the “get dunked on by Patrick Chewing” commercials when there was a fatter, dumber, more washed up player that they could have used? If it was Barkley making an ass out of himself in those commercials I might have given him a pass.

At the end of the day, the way I will remember Charles is as the worst dressed man on TV. The guy looks like Stevie Wonder, Bryant Gumble, and 1986 got in a fight and they all lost. Hawaiian shirts, synthetic turtlenecks, ill fitting 5 button suits, and more olive tones than a vineyard. This guy can’t dress. He can’t speak. He could play. Charles, you get a 3 out of 10 on my scale.*

*1 being genocide and 10 being a blow job while wearing new socks.