Happy new year, you jackass…

Now get off your lazy, still drunk ass, remove the lampshade from your head and make something of this new decade. This is a list of new years resolutions that we here at Read it Dammit have decided to impose on the population of the world in order to rectify some of the major flaws of the last decade. Think of this as the “2010 Commandments”, they are not optional, they are law.

1. Terrorism

Don’t do it. Isn’t it getting a little old now guys? I mean, your parents were doing this, shouldn’t it be considered old-fashioned and out of style? Stop being whatever your parents tell you to be; break free and be your own person! Or at least adapt to the changing times and hit us where it really hurts.

2. Thin facial hair

Since when did this become the cool thing to do? Last I checked, the manliness of facial hair was directly related to the thickness. It is not stylish, it is not attractive to real women, it’s a blatant slap in the face to all that is man and it must be stopped.

3. Mashups

Q: How many times can I hear Jay-Z rapping over the instrument track of a song my parents danced to at their high school prom before it gets old?

A: Once was plenty, thanks.

4. LOL cats

…To be honest, they never should have existed in the first place. But keyboard cat is okay. We like keyboard cat.

5. ‘Shitty liquor’-bombs

In previous decades, liquor was respected. It was savored and it was loved. People destroyed their livers with honor. Now, it has become customary to not only drink shitty liquor, but to drop it in some sort of energy drink or sugary liquid and throw it back as fast as humanly possible: to bomb it. This is not only disrespectful to the Gods of alcohol but it is downright obnoxious. While throwing away Jagermister doesn’t really bother me because no one would ever sip it, dumping Jameson in a shitty beer pisses me off. I propose a swift return to the consumption of high quality brown liquor in a civilized manner. Trust me, it will make you happier.

6. Coffee

It wasn’t long ago that when people needed a caffeine boost they would get a coffee. However, girls and their Axe drenched effeminate male counterparts couldn’t handle that.  Enter the Double Pump Mocha Latte Frapamacchiatos.  Don’t do it.  Just because the pissy little hipster barista recommends it, do not get any coffee with more than one word in the title.  If there is less coffee than milk, sugar, chocolate, or whatever else they’re putting in it these days, do not order it.

7. Stupid words

You’ve had 10 long years to talk like a complete jackass, that’s about enough I think.  And if you ever want to enter the workforce in double-digit unemployment you should probably stop using words like “boss” to describe anything other than the guy known as “your boss” or The Boss. Rad, dude.

8. American Idol

How do people still watch this shit? It hasn’t spawned a legitimate artist since… oh I guess ever. The best thing it did for America was embarrass the idiots that thought they could sing, but even that backfired. Plus, Simon Cowell can’t read a single fucking note of music! Hang it up. This show is the culmination of a decade of Americans rewarding no talent hacks with millions of dollars. Though, I guess that’s always been the case.

9. CGI

For God’s sake, how does anyone watch this and maintain any suspension of disbelief? This shit doesn’t look real because it fucking isn’t real. Since Star Wars has been getting the business lately, we’ll move to GI Joe: huge budget movie, which chose to use CGI bullshit to give the characters suits that allowed them to defy gravity and fly at supersonic speeds. What? If something convinces you that it’s okay (and possible) to just suspend serious natural laws like gravity, and you aren’t making Apollo 13, then the CGI that enabled you is bad and you’re an asshole.

10. Previous decade revivalism

By 2004 I was sick of the fucking “You know you were born in the 90′s when…” Facebook groups. I understand that it’s fun to reminisce with your peers about the popular culture of your childhood (“You listened to Hootie and the Blowfish too? How weirdddd! Hehehehe”) and occasionally you can lure a drunk Freshman girl back to your dorm room to watch “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” reruns. But enough’s enough. I don’t wanna be forced to remember that time that Jessica Simpson thought tuna was chicken… in the year 2017!