WTF: John “Cougar” Mellencamp

John Mellencamp is not just overrated, he is quite possibly one of my least favorite people on the planet. How does this jagoff keep getting chances to spread his shitty music all over my life? Every time I think he’s dead, CBS plays his music as the theme song for their coverage of March Madness or Chevrolet pays him an exorbitant amount of money to use a song of his for a SERIES of overplayed commercials. Notice the lack of hyperlinks here. I refuse to support this garbage.

Young Mellencamp, son of Johann Herman Möhlenkamp (reason 1 that I hate him…kraut), launched his miserable career with a CD of covers.  If only he had decided to stick with ruining other people’s music.  From there, he launched a series of lackluster brokeback cowboy pop CD’s that somehow propelled multiple singles to the top 40.  What the fuck is wrong with you people?  Mellencamp has made a career, and millions of dollars, with multiple multi-platinum albums, out of taking everything good, pure, and American and inserting his undoubtedly tiny, crooked, dirty member into it and proceeding to rape it for profit.  In the process he ends up sounding oddly Canadian.  Unacceptable.

So how do I really feel? Every time I hear Jack & Diane I want him to die.  In addition, his popularity makes me question the true nature of the American people.  Why do people continue to buy his shit? If you own a John Mellencamp album, please think about the hurt you are causing to me and the rest of the true patriots who simply want to not be bombarded with shitty music at all hours of the day.

And isn’t cougar an older woman who hangs out at the bars that I go to trying to fight off the truth that they should be at home helping their own kids pack for college? Nice name, asshole.