Nick Cage is the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse

In keeping with the bashing of Nick Cage on this blog, I have decided to share with you my often criticized, but thoroughly substantiated theory that he is, in fact, the final horseman of the Apocalypse, and that’s even more dangerous than… Bangkok.

His uncle recognized the evil that lived inside of Cage early on, inspiring him to craft his warning to the world, Apocalypse Now, in 1979. The world did not take heed and Cage made his “acting” debut two years later, beginning the demise of the world as we knew it. 28 years later, we have been subjected to  nearly 60 of the worst films ever made, and the end is very, very near.

The man is clearly playing cat and mouse with the world, laughing at us and waiting for the perfect time to unleash Armageddon upon our unsuspecting souls. Knowing is an obvious example of this; of course he knows exactly when the world will end, he’s the Antichrist. Just get it over with Nick, I can’t stand the suspense.

What other explanation is there for a man that intimidates me less than Jonathan Lipnicki becoming a blockbuster action star? Dark forces are working in his favor. The shitty movies keep coming, one after another, and some how they make money! A quick glimpse at his IMDB page shows me that we are in for an even more pathetic future than the hair piece our favorite actor donned in Ghost Rider.

So, the next time you are thinking about seeing the newest movie from Nick Cage, (I’m talking to you, guy who thinks The Rock is a modern classic and saw Lord of War 27 times, not including the countless YouTube clips you watched at work on your Sidekick) consider this message: Every dollar that you give to this man, only brings the end of the world that much closer, and increases your chances of dying a pathetic virgin who works at Burger King, and still lives in their parent’s garage.

That being said, this is, in my humble opinion, Nicolas’ best work:

[Update] I have just been informed by my only friend who is actually religious that “twins” are a sign of the Apocalypse. Just more evidence to add to my theory.