Things you might want to leave off your resume

…or kill yourself over.

Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities New York, New York 1995-2009
Portfolio Manager

• Ensured that all account monies were fully, or not at all,  invested and that transaction requests were or were not fulfilled in a timely and completely inaccurate manner.
• Personally responsible for portfolio of many many Jewish people.
• Prepared cash flow analyses and verified/submitted falsified client quarterly reports.
• Interacted with bank and in-house Trading/Ponzi Department.

Eliot Spitzer New York, New York 2000-2007

Public Relations

• Organized public appearances designed to improve public image of client.
• Lied to the press about all sorts of things which ultimately made my job more difficult (I don’t run from challenges)
• Made sure that Eliot’s hookers kept their mouths shut. Sometimes. Fired for cause in 2007. Shit.

Arthur Anderson Chicago, Illinois 1997-2002

Accountant

• Created offshore accounts for Enron, allowing them to hide from American tax laws, which saved the company (b)millions.
• Moved assets through variety of accounts, both legal and illegal, to ensure that losses were properly hidden.  This raised share price exponentially.
• Manipulated future revenue numbers through mark to market accounting practices based on cooked numbers.

American International Group New York, New York 2000-2009

• Traded Credit Default Swaps with multibillion dollar institutions, engaging in trades that affected the global economy….negatively.
• Showed dedication to company by agreeing to work for $1 salary in 2008.  Still got that bonus though. Oh hell yes.
• Shorted AIG upon receiving inside information about lowering of credit rating through mother in law’s accounts. Avoided SEC, showing creativity and a sticktoitiveness that could make a difference at YOUR company.

United States Congress Washington, DC 111th Session

Representative

• Voted for American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.
• Stripped important language regulating use of said act.
• Later claimed to have voted against said act.
• Flipped my shit over constitutionally guaranteed bonuses.  Broke constitution (showing ability to think for myself) and took that shit back.
• Talked a LOT on CNBC.